Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Help! A Kardashian Stole My Husband!
At least I think she is a Kardashian.
And when I say she stole him, I don't mean it has actually happened yet. But I'm worried that it will.
You see, infidelity is everywhere. Broken marriages are the norm. And celebrities are often a major cause of these breakups.
Now when I say celebrities, it's not possible for me to be specific, because with only a few exceptions, I cannot tell celebrities apart. But I know if they have a reality show, a clothing line or a cologne named after them, they are probably a homewrecker.
In case you think I'm being hard on today's celebrities, who probably work as hard at unearned fame as celebrities of previous generations, I'll harken back a few decades for the first celebrity scandal of which I have any memory. Elizabeth Taylor was a husband-stealer from way back, and I can remember the grown-ups talking about her shameless immorality and homewrecking ways. I suppose even back then you could parlay your notoriety into profit. It's not a new gimmick, and God only knows how much she made off that stinky "White Diamonds" scent, created after she ballooned up to 225 pounds, and left her 14th husband at rehab. I know I'm speaking ill of a dead legend, and let me say that when it comes to her movies, I'm a huge fan. But her morals and comportment left something to be desired, at least in her younger years. (But I could say the same thing about myself, so...)
Still, for some celebrities, it's not enough that they have 6 million friends on Facebook, and fan clubs and stalkers and magazines with their picture on the cover. What they really want for their very own is someone else's spouse. Preferably someone also rich and famous, but so long as they are happily married to someone else, they are a potential love interest/headline grabber for the celebrity.
And I, as the ultimate head-in-the-sand expert on celebrities, have found the whole Kardashian phenomenon inescapable. I watch news, weather and history on TV, but I still know about the 72 day (or was it 72 hour?) marriage that involved a Kardashian girl. Without knowing where they came from or what they actually do, I cannot seem to go a full day without some mention of a Kardashian in my hearing. Therefore they must love publicity. And one of the best ways to get publicity is to steal someone else's husband. Which is why I'm worried that one day my children and I will be interviewed by (*insert popular search name here*), sobbing about how whichever socialite/model/businesswoman stole my man, for spite and headlines.
Now that I've given this topic a thorough going over, without one single concrete example or peer-reviewed reference, I can share the real reason for my Kardashian concerns. This quickly written, poorly edited essay is a test to see if the repeated use of the word "Kardashian" will increase traffic to my blog. But just to keep things interesting, let me tell you the made-up stuff my husband is doing that makes me think he's a target for an illicit affair with a Kardashian:
1. He got his hair cut without being told.
2. He asked me to iron his nicest shirt two weeks in a row.
3. He keeps saying he needs to get in shape.
4. He's on the computer "working" at all hours of the night.
5. He remembered to put the seat down.
6. I found a plastic comb in the center console of his car.
7. He looked up at the TV when the 1-800-FLOWERS commercial came on.
If you were me, wouldn't you be in agonies of suspicion? I feel some detective work is in order. I need to find out who these Kardashians really are, and figure out how they are messing with my husband.
According to Wikipedia, the final word on such matters, the surname Kardashian is Armenian and means "stone carver." Only one family with that surname is featured, and in that family, there are three daughters who all seem to have the same jobs: socialite, model and businesswoman. So it's going to be hard to tell them apart by their profession alone. Wikipedia also warns that this family, while unusual, should not be confused with the Cardassians, an alien race from Star Trek. That's helpful
But I'll need Google images to see who I'm really dealing with. Here they are, the tramps:
From your left to right, that's Kourtney, Kim and Khloe. Okay, they are cute and they airbrush nicely, but what right does that give any of them to propose a wild affair with my husband? He's really busy, doesn't like to get dressed up and he's almost always broke. Why can't this mystery sister chase someone else's husband? There are plenty of celebrity men who seem to have no problems cheating on their devoted spouses - chase one of them! I'm thinking Ashton Kutcher, I'm thinking Jesse James, in fact, I need a column to do justice to this list:
Not that women don't do their share of cheating - celebrities and otherwise. I'm only focusing on the men because, if the Kardashians are looking for a married man with an demonstrable record of cheating, there is no shortage. They have no need to come bothering nice husbands like yours and mine - you know, the terrified, conforming, henpecked kind.
So if anyone sees any of these pathetic bimbos hanging around my town, let me know. They shouldn't be hard to spot, since their cleavage seems to arrive at their destination a few seconds before the rest of them. They are clearly not the kind of girls who make you think "Hoosier resident;" more like "hooters investment." Also, if you see a Kardashian of any description at any of Eric's haunts, like Ace Hardware, Tractor Supply Store, Bass Pro Shop, or at the Pitt Stop in downtown Granger (Wednesday is $1 Bud night), notify me right away. I'll whup all three of these stilettoed socialites to keep my Prince Charming safe from their immoral, yet exquisitely manicured clutches. I'll strike out for common decency and family values, helping to keep everyone's Everyman husband safe from Hollywood hussies and their ilk.
And with any luck, maybe I'll get my picture in the paper, which should really help my blog traffic.